Breakthroughs

Healing From An Unwanted Divorce

46 year old White male presented with confusion, hurt and anger as he was facing an unwanted divorce. This was his second marriage that lasted for 7 years with 4 young children. His son referred him to see me as his therapist as he did not want to be the sole support for his father who had become very needy. I worked with him for 15 sessions with dramatic improvement.

Treatment initially was to establish a trusting, safe relationship, allowing him to tell his story as he saw it. He had been accused of being intimidating, both in his physical presentation and in his loud voice with several incidents of engaging in a fight with his son and slamming his fist into a wall. Although he did not know this initially, he was looking to find someone who would “get him” outside his family. Having experienced a very negative encounter with his wife’s therapist, he was less than trusting. But before he saw me, he had learned some listening skills in Pastoral Counseling and several Marriage Counseling sessions. He was actively trying to be less defensive.

I suggested Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) as a way to examine his irrational beliefs and how these beliefs showed up in his life on a regular basis. This therapy was designed to help people recover from trauma, exploring the beliefs that were formed early in life and then become embedded in the subconscious. Even if trauma is not the presenting problem, we can start with the belief that seems most obvious in the current situation. In this man’s story, he believed that no one cared what he had to say or even listened to him. It was like he was invisible!

Even the process of setting up the EMDR treatment resulted in a major shift, as this man recalled each event in his life that seemed to confirm this belief, all the way back to trying to drown himself at age 4 to get the attention that was denied him by his father who clearly favored his brother. After this session, I noticed not only a shift in his consciousness but a willingness to take responsibility for his part in his life. Even his face and body seemed more relaxed and free. We finished up with a few more sessions to reinforce the changes he made and to address several new incidents that triggered him. I felt confident that he had internalized some new beliefs and tools that would work for him in future situations and relationship

An Addict’s Story Of Recovery

26 year old male presented with a specific trauma that occurred when he was under the influence of alcohol. Not only did he seek help for the physical and emotional pain of the attack he experienced, he had to face his alcoholism. Had he not been drunk, this attack would not have occurred. Once he faced this, he had to make the very difficult decision to leave a long-term relationship when his partner refused to stop drinking. Moving home with his parents and leaving his job also stirred up old feelings regarding his dysfunctional family that has affected his ability to feel safe in an intimate relationship as well as the distance he created with potential friends.

Because he identified as an alcoholic, I encouraged him to begin to attend 12 step meetings of Alcoholic’s Anonymous. It is my belief that an alcoholic or addict needs the support of the fellowship that has a program including having a sponsor and actively working very specific steps taking the individual through concrete behaviors that include reading and writing and sharing in regular meetings. This program helps individuals both get sober and learn to live in sobriety. Sobriety ultimately involves finding a new way to live, and if done wholeheartedly, he/she realizes the importance of doing a personal inventory, relying on a higher power, and giving back to others. I have witnessed many addicts and alcoholics who have lived sober for many years become great human beings.

In the case of this young man, he agreed to go to as many meetings as he could each week, get a sponsor and work the steps. I acted as yet another person he would be accountable to for his program of sobriety. My primary job, however, was to help this young man understand the beliefs he carried from childhood that were not working for him. I used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that is a well-established type of therapy that uncovers and helps individuals change their beliefs so that their lives begin to work better for them. It focuses on treating problems and increasing happiness by helping the client modify dysfunctional emotions, behaviors and thoughts with the goal being to have solutions or “tools” that work for them. In addition, I used the principles of the 12 step programs with the emphasis upon Spiritual Therapy. Both approaches helped this young man know that recovery was essential for him. It took some time for him to make the changes necessary to rebuild his life, but he is well on his way, beginning school for his chosen career and building some healthy relationships

Woman Living With Multiple Personalities

68 year old female presented with severe anxiety and childhood abuse that was affecting her ability to function due to breaks in her memory (amnesia). It did not take long to diagnose her with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder. DID is a real disorder that usually develops in early childhood with severe abuse occurring over a period of years. In these situations, the abuse is so intense that the young child relies upon the defense mechanism of dissociation that is essentially the person splitting off another part of them called an altar. It is like the person says, “This is not happening to me. It is happening to ______.” This process can continue through the development of many altars who each hold an actual memory or the emotional memory of what occurred. This keeps the individual safe and able to function in the world…until he/she cannot. It often takes 7 years before the diagnosis is made as a different altar shows up in a therapist’s office and is treated for the symptoms presented.  With my extensive training and experience, I am able to diagnose DID fairly quickly, but I cannot use this diagnosis until I have met one of the altars personally.

Hypnosis is the treatment of choice for the treatment of DID as these individuals are living in dissociation that is essentially being in a trance or hypnotic state. Much can be done with Hypnosis to learn about the altars and their stories and their role in the system. But it also allows me to use the hypnotic state to make suggestions to eliminate self-destructive behaviors and help create alternative roles for the altars as well as healing. Most DID patients draw a map of their system, placing each altar in the picture in relation to the other altars. Therapy takes a long time, as the system is designed to keep the secret. Clearly trust is essential but is created by affirming each altar for their role in helping the main person survive.

In the case of this woman, her map was most unusual. She sees her system as a tree with roots and branches. Each time she recreates this for me, I can see the changes, as each role becomes more useful to the individual and as each alter becomes more dominant or retreats to a more minor role. Also interesting is that when the altars want to communicate with me, this person takes out her little notebook and writes with her non dominant hand in a mirror image such that I have to read what is written by placing it in front of a light on the back of the page. This way she lets me know what memories still need to be shared and processed.

In addition to listening to the stories or emotional triggers, the individual needs help navigating their life, both in interpersonal relationships and career choices and perhaps working with a psychiatrist in the choice of medications that can be helpful in dealing with the anxiety that often accompanies this condition. A safety plan is important as well until the self-destructive impulses are under control. In the process of therapy, this woman changed her name to a part of her that was the artist, and she was able to engage in her form of art and to begin to show and sell her art. We terminated the therapy process when no new stories appeared and the woman had more connection and purpose in her life. We both agreed that brief interventions may be necessary in the future with new triggers and life stressors. While some DID patients choose to merge all their altars, this patient did not want to “lose these very familiar friends,” so we considered treatment complete when all the altars were working well together and the woman felt successful in love and work.

Young Child With Separation Anxiety

Almost 3 year old female presented with difficulty leaving her mother after her father left the home. He had been convicted of molesting Mom’s teenage niece and was incarcerated. She was having difficulty in several major areas due to her emotional distress. Her sleep and appetite were compromised, and she had severe separation anxiety when having to leave her mother. While all these behaviors came as no surprise because Dad was suddenly gone, due to the child’s developmental level, she had no way to make sense of what was happening in her world. The information about Dad’s behavior that led to incarceration was not appropriate to tell a young child, and no appropriate answer was satisfactory.

Play Therapy was the best choice for treatment. Children’s “play” is more like their work in learning how to be a member of society and especially to figure out how to belong to their particular family unit. If you watch a child closely, you may begin to see a theme develop over time, reflecting the child’s attempt to understand new information, both appropriate developmental tasks as well as more traumatic events. In the right circumstances, these can be resolved at home or school in their own play but is more effective with a witness. When this does not occur, it is then that the referral must be made to a qualified play therapist.

In this case, after letting this child explore my toys and my office, I took the time to interview Mom for relevant information and to establish a trusting relationship with the child. She most needed to feel safe after what she had experienced so that she be able to leave her mom in the waiting room. There are many times when I invite a parent to join us until the child feels comfortable to see me alone. Most children have no problem with this, but when they do, it is diagnostic of issues with separation.

For the next few months, each week the child came to my office, she proceeded to take out 3 sets of dolls. She created a space under a chair she called “jail” and she placed all the Daddy dolls in jail. Each week the girl doll would find a way to rescue “Daddy” so the girl could be with her father. Repetitious play is typical of children engaging in play therapy. They repeat the same play over and over until they do not need to do so. I knew it was the final session when she put all the Daddies in jail and left them there. The girl dolls did not need to rescue Daddy any more even though she still did not have full understanding of why he was in jail. Mom reported reduced symptoms and more ease in leaving Mom as time went on.

From Distress To Happiness

Young married couple in their 20’s were struggling to make their relationship work.  They questioned whether they were compatible, with issues of secrets invoking core trust concerns. Both had the insight to see the cause as at least partially stemming from very dysfunctional childhoods.  They lacked clear communication skills and did not feel like their needs were being met. There was no issue with addictions, abuse or affairs (The Big 3). Both had jobs and school and common goals for their future. They were just stuck and could see no way forward. 

It is not unusual for couples to face this first disillusionment sometime in the first 2 years of being married or committed. I wonder if anyone would mate at all if we really saw each other when we first meet. Relationships can help heal childhood wounds if the couple is able to recognize what they project onto each other and can take responsibility for their part in the problem and then be willing to do the work of mirroring and understanding each other and the dynamic of the relationship as it unfolds. This can be difficult, even painful work, but this work can lead to healing of the individual and the couple as a unit. 

This couple had a few more issues to face. The wife needed an accurate diagnosis and treatment. I was able to diagnose her with Bipolar Disorder and referred her to see a psychiatrist for the appropriate medications. While in most cases, I prefer to help clients navigate their issues with therapy and natural treatments, in the case of Bipolar Disorder or a Psychotic Disorder, I always recommend they see a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

Once the wife was on medication and completed her college education, the couple returned to see me. They were ready to do the work of looking at their unconscious agenda that stemmed from childhood, to really listen and understand their partner, and to begin a process of how to manage differences and frustrations while gaining insights into themselves. Once they were on board with experiencing the benefits of therapy, they made dramatic improvement, trusting the process. They not only became a stronger couple, they began to speak of how they can help others and give back from their own emotional abundance.